Saturday, September 17, 2011

The Movie Reviews Nobody Asked For....

The movie review you've never waited for: Conan the Barbarian. No, not the Arnold version, it's with a new dude I think was on some Stargate series. This Conan didn't grow up a slave; he grew up bad-ass. Born in the middle of battle, his mom getting some kind of battlefield C-section from his dad, the always awesome Ron Perlman. This kid grew up brutal, too--one scene from when he was a kid shows him beheading enemy invaders. One of the nastier scenes shows young Conan chopping off some dude's nose--a scene that's fairly pivital. Young Conan declares war on the man who slew his entire people--and his daughter, the always pasty Rose McGowan. Once the first bit of revenge is taken, the movie slides slightly. There's always battles, with a scarred Conan taking a big sword to somebody. Everytime he kills one of the men who killed his father, you feel a small sense of relief--you're keeping score. When Conan and his band of pirates repel a small invasion of enemy troops, you want to whoop and yell with them; it's fairly triumphant.


X Files: Fight The Future. What a piece of crap. I used to like this show, but it went on for about 2 or 3 years too long, they should have gone out on top, like a Lost or Cheers. This should have been a 2 piece episode instead of a movie, like they found an old script, changed it up a bit, then churned out this. There's Scottish-ex-priest-turned repetent pedophile psychic, gay beheaded Soviet mad scientists, and Mulder and Scully.

The Runaways: the story of Joan Jett's all-girl rock band. Kristen Stewart actually embodied young Joan Jett, turning in a decent Non-Twilight performance. Since Dakota Fanning doesn't do movies like this and she's not an innocent little girl anymore, she turns in a great performance. The girl playing Lita Ford was a bit of an unnecessary bitch (I'm sure Lita didn't appreciate that, but maybe that's how she was back in the '70's), the girl on drums had a cute smile, and the bass player had a nice rack. Here are the three sections of the movie: playing kick-ass classic Runaways tracks (one of which I put on my i-Pod), doing a massive amount of drugs, or being all introspective and annoyingly quiet. Sometimes, they do all three. You see the band form, there is some kind of lesbian undertone with Joan and Cherie, and then they spectaculary implode and disenigrate as a band.

Prince of Persia. Nothing really to write home about, but the ostrich race was stupid. The girl with the great eyes from Clash of the Titans is in it. Jake Gyllenhall plays a parkour stuntman/adopted prince from Persia. As with all movies depicting a foreign race, they all have English accents.

I wanted to watch Black Swan, but I couldn't get into it.

I am Number 4 was okay, but moved so slowly.

I'm sure there are more movies I've seen recently, but I can't remember all of them.



Enough of movies, I heard Van Halen is supposed to come out soon with a new album with the semi-classic line-up of Dave Roth, Eddie Van Halen, Alex Van Halen and Wolfgang (!) Van Halen--Eddie's son--on bass. I have a bootleg tape of part of their demo tracks from the '70's. Here's Voodoo Queen--it has new lyrics to the Mean Streets instrumental track.




1 comment:

  1. "Some kind" of lesbian undertone? I heard there was a sex scene...

    ReplyDelete